I just made out with a guy for $7.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
