You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
