omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
