you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
