I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
