I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
