She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
