I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
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