What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
