Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
