Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
