My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
