my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Can I color on your dick again?
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize
