A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
