Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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