its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
