God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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