that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
