I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
