Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
