I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
