you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
