I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
