What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
