Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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