I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
