frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
