i just sent this text using only my big toe
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
