just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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