I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
