That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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