can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Randomize
