Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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