So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Houston, we have a squirter
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
