Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
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