took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
