please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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