I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Randomize
