All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
