my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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