dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
‪So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?‬
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
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