Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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