so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
