Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Randomize
