I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
