how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Randomize
