Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
The best revenge is premature balding
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
