I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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