Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
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