My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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